Where is All the Winning Promised?

I just finished texting with my best friend of the last 32 years. She is in Puerto Rico, helping herself, her two teenagers and her mom. God knows who else she is helping because I know how she is. I offered to send her whatever she needed. Then I looked at my wallet. I have $2.35 and my car has no gas. Where is all the winning promised?

Maybe if I keep repeating the realities of my current life, I will actually believe them, get over them and move on. I am a 50-year-old, white looking, Puerto Rican woman. Now, that reality I live with every day, that is not the part I still refuse to believe. I have been unsuccessful in finding work for the last year.  I refuse to believe it is harder for a woman like me to get a job or find a project to work with.  Where is all the winning promised?

I want to help my people rise up from this devastating storm. I have to look at my own numbers. Since I became unemployed, I lived on credit cards and savings for most of the last year. Savings were gone in six months and now the credit cards are unavailable. I’m pretty sure we are over $110,000 in debt. In order to survive, and this does not include going to the movies, or even to a restaurant, this family needs $6,000 a month. Since May, this family makes about $4500 a month. I started selling what we own, including my i-Pad (that I got for my blogging business), my GoPro (a birthday gift), all my jewelry and exercise equipment. I even worked on a project for a month. Now, I have to call the creditors one by one and tell them there is no more money.  Do you see the winnings yet? And even though this is my reality, I still want to help my friends and family in Puerto Rico, mostly because they are all middle class and as usual, ignored even by the aid agencies.

I am the one in the house that is always saying everything is going to work out. Things will be fine. I have filled out so many job applications I know my entire resume without looking at it. I have applied for any and all projects. I’ve begged online for work. As usual, a lot of interest and no bites.

And you know what the worst part is? I’m tired. Ever since that gallbladder surgery in 2014, it has been one hit after the other. We’ve had cancers and deaths, and Alzheimer’s and accidents and layoffs and everything else you can imagine, culminating on hurricanes and just more bad luck. I’m tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I keep getting sick but I don’t even have the $10 copay I need to visit my doctor. Let us not forget that no matter how good it is, when you have insurance, you still have to pay for your doctor’s visits. I don’t know if I’m getting sick because there is something wrong with me, or is it because I’m exhausted and I don’t have access to a healthy diet or adequate rest . All I know is that I could use a nap.

One of the things the president said when he was running for office was that we were all going to get tired of winning. As most campaign promises, this one came without much information about what where the actual winnings going to be or what plan he had for the winfall. I have not seen any winning. I’ve seen his staff members winning, I’ve seen all the golf weekends and the trips and the people boasting about their private jet flights. We were supposed to see winnings and we made the mistake of assuming he was talking about us. At least, I did.

I am looking online for a good bankruptcy lawyer. I never thought I would see the day when in order for me to get up, I would have to kick myself down. To add insult to injury, I cannot afford to get sick because as far as I know, there is a big possibility that I will not have sufficient coverage since they insist on repealing the current health program. There is no winning here. I am tired of staying positive. I need to be realistic. There is no more sugar-coating it for me or the millions of Americans in the middle class who are seeing their incomes shrink while the bills pile up and no winning in sight.

I’m just tired of waiting.

Every Day a Tragedy

I don’t want to use my page to talk about bad news. Just thinking of the title of this post was painful. I want to bring happiness and hope to the millions of people who are like me, middle aged, without a job and/or looking for meaning in their lives.

Yesterday was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It feels like every day a tragedy strikes. In the last six weeks we’ve had three hurricanes in the US and one in India, an earthquake in Mexico and now a mass shooting in Las Vegas. It feels like every time we start to recuperate from one thing, another thing happens. What are we supposed to do?

I live with anxiety and depression and all I wanted was to go back to sleep and wake up in a couple of weeks. I don’t take medication and times like this can make it a lot harder to move on. It is definitely not the time to try something new. I’m not even hungry and if you know me, you know that is strange.

Because I am not on medication, I usually can tell when things are getting overwhelming. This is different. When the things that trigger you are mostly natural disasters, you have very little warning. The great thing is that self study here is very important. I had said during the weekend that it was time to move forward, even though I still don’t know where half of my friends and family are (in Puerto Rico). When Vegas happened and I realized I had friends there, I went back to square one and then, this morning, I remembered we are in October.

October is my favorite month, it is a prelude to my birth month. Halloween is one of my favorite days of the year because it starts the 21 day countdown to my birthday. I had planned certain things for my business and my life in this month and I decided after taking a deep breath, that I was going to start Tuesday with a clean slate.

That is my message to you. It is OK to mourn and feel overwhelmed. At some point, and only you know when it is right, you have to take a deep breath, start again and keep it moving. There is going to be a tragedy every day for someone. Just don’t stay there and make it worse for yourself.

I hope this message brings you some relief.

Let me know how do you deal with situations like this in the comments section below.

Pray and/or donate for Puerto Rico