Metamorphosis – 6th Day

On this, the sixth day of Metamorphosis, I want to talk about something that I noticed yesterday.  More than ever, I saw a lot of people posting certain messages on social media.  The message on these posts were about how sad this time of the year is for some people and to please have a heart and be supportive of them.

It is very hard to go through the holidays once a loved one passes away.  We all know this.  The first year is usually the hardest.  There are some people who stay there and don’t move on and for those people, I want to ask a question.

What do you think your loved one would tell you if they saw you getting sad for them?  Would they be angry?  Would they feel sorry for you?  Would they tell you to go on living?  This is a tough question to answer because I am sure that you don’t want to hear the answer.

I believe that our loved ones want us to live life to the fullest.  In my opinion, you honor your loved ones by enjoying life and the holidays.  I am not saying that you should forget your loved ones or ignore your own pain.  What I am saying is that you need to smile through your tears and figure out what you have to do to keep living.  Do you have to see a therapist to treat your depression?  Do you think that you need to work out to wake up those endorphins?  Is it time to let go?

Don’t you think that people who die would do anything to be here with you?  Do you really think they want to be the source of your unhappiness?

Honor your loved ones by living fully.  Here is a short reminder.

If you have any suggestions for others on what worked for you, leave those in the comments below.  Thanks.


We’ve All Being There

Me walking
The Start of the Journey

Today is one of those days when I unburden my soul, no matter what anyone thinks about it.  The last six months have been a test and I don’t know why would I need to be tested.  People get sad, they feel anxiety, they feel cornered and alone, and bad news just aggravate those things.  We’ve all being there and yet we all act so perfect and capable.  Ignoring feelings or pushing pills or drugs or alcohol does not make the pain go away.  Those behaviors just add more trouble.

I am what the experts call, clinically depressed, I guess.  I ask you, if your partner of 27 years gets diagnosed with cancer at the same time as your dad, while your mom is also showing signs of forgetfulness, would you feel happy?  I doubt it.  The thing is, I tend to be one of those people who keeps on moving until I break.  That does not make me stronger, that just makes me stupid.  And before you think I should not criticize myself, I am not name calling, I am being realistic.

Life is too short.  One minute you are here and the next one you are gone.  It does not matter if a person gets hit by a truck and dies instantly or if they linger in a coma for months and then move on.  The actual act of dying takes a second and so does the act of breathing for the first time.  The length of the journey in between the first breath and your last could be 10 years or 100.  In terms of how long the Earth has been here, it is just a very short journey.

Because life is too short, I decided I did not want to spend however long I have, been politically correct or proper with everything and everyone.  I don’t believe in breaking the laws.  I don’t steal, I don’t cheat people out of their money, I am not interested in owning a gun or shooting one.  I do want to stop coloring inside the lines.

I have always believed that every person has a right to be themselves and do what makes them happy.  And yet, somewhere between my 21st birthday and my 48th birthday, I followed the rules and did everything I did not believe in.  It did not make me happy, it brought up many feelings of inadequacy and it drove me nuts.  I am done playing nice.

So, what does that mean.  In the interest of full disclosure, I want to let my family and my friends know that I have every intention of telling my truth.  If you are embarrassed to have a nut job for a friend or family member, you can always say you don’t know me.  I don’t care if it embarrasses you, I care that I have probably caused half of my mental issues by trying to conform to your version of me and that has to stop.

The second thing this means is that I have no intention of purposely putting you on a spot.  Your name will not come into my page unless you say it.  I don’t have anything bad to say about my friends or family.  They are who they are and they have to stand on their truth at some point.

The third thing this means is that this is a bully free zone.  I have been bullied all my life.  From the first time some idiot called me a witch, to when I was in my teens and started dating a guy that was the property of some girl (in her head because they had broken up years before I even met them), to the time a boss decided that she was insecure and planned to destroy my career because she did not want to be discovered as the fraud she was.  All these people and many more haunted my dreams for a very long time.  I forgive those I mentioned and the many more that I did not mention in this paragraph.  Insecurity and ignorance is something that makes people do stupid things.  Unfortunately your insecurity made a hole in my heart that made me want to conform, to be normal.  That was my mistake and I cannot blame you for having that much power over me.  I gave you that much power and now I am taking it back.  Bye Philicias.

This is not a democracy.  This is my kingdom.  Therefore, if I ever read or see something I don’t like, I am going to delete you.  I will, from now on, delete you from my pages and my life if you act like an idiot.  I have absolutely no problem with people disagreeing with me.  But I do not want some person saying “for the sake of honesty” and then proceed to insult anyone on my pages, be it here, on Facebook or anywhere else.  I am not your punching bag and none of my friends are.  You can then say that I am censoring what you can say.  That would be incorrect.  I am curtailing how you say it.  If you tell me that you think I am wrong and then proceed to tell me why, that is an opinion that can be debated.  You telling me that I am a moron is insulting and not debatable.  I’m not a moron but in your world I guess I would be, therefore, not debatable.  So, offend me or anyone on my pages and you will be deleted and blocked.

I don’t have time to entertain trolls and bullies.  I also don’t have time to entertain lies.  If you would like to know more about what makes us tick, stick around.  While you wait, leave a comment below with what stage of the journey you are in.  Are you still hiding behind what people want you to be or are you playing the game for yourself?  Leave your comment below and stop by our Gofundme campaign to donate $5.  This will help us continue this journey the way we want to.  Thanks.

Day 231: Hard Days Come and Go

I have not written anything since Monday.  I did work out Monday and Tuesday and then got injured on Wednesday.  At the same time, Monday night was tragic and made me think a lot about the last seven months.

I am slowly healing my leg so that I can start working out again on Wednesday.  My heart is going to take longer to heal.  A lot has been said about the tragic death of Robin Williams and I have no intention of trying to define it or look for a reason because I know there is no reason.

We have no right to even begin to think we know why this happened.  Hard days come and go, medications might interfere in the normal brain function.  We will never know why this happened and there is no reason to dwell on the horrible parts of life.  If it turns out to be true that the medication he was taking for Parkinson’s made his depression worse, I am not surprised.  I had a similar situation with medication that was meant to heal my stomach ailment.  What I want to give people is time to reflect.

It is too bad that celebrities feel like they live in a bubble and they cannot trust anyone.  It is sad that people befriend celebrities so that they can get their payday.  I don’t understand why some people do this.  If I have a friend, I don’t see any amount of money being enough to betray them, unless they committed a crime or need help for an addiction.  At that point, betrayal might be the only way of getting them help and I will be more than happy to do that to the appropriate professional.  The thing is, that is what you do for a friend, famous or not.

There are going to be hard days.  Days when you feel like the world is going around without you in it.  There will be days when reality seems to hard to handle.  It is ok, this is life and we are meant to learn as much as possible.  The biggest source of sadness is when our expectations of life do not meet reality.  We have choices, like working on making the two meet, dream other dreams and let those go or to get sad and depressed.  There are just as many solutions to cure depression and not one option works the same on different people.

For me, what works is working out, consuming more fruits and veggies and talking to a mental health professional.  Medications don’t work well with me.  Besides, I don’t like medications.  That does not mean that my solution works on everybody.  Do what works for you.  More importantly, talk to somebody.

Don’t feel that because of who you are, you can’t talk to somebody and work your way out of the bottom you are in right now.  Get help.  Do you have other options to depression?  Leave your comment below.  Thanks.