We’ve All Being There

Me walking
The Start of the Journey

Today is one of those days when I unburden my soul, no matter what anyone thinks about it.  The last six months have been a test and I don’t know why would I need to be tested.  People get sad, they feel anxiety, they feel cornered and alone, and bad news just aggravate those things.  We’ve all being there and yet we all act so perfect and capable.  Ignoring feelings or pushing pills or drugs or alcohol does not make the pain go away.  Those behaviors just add more trouble.

I am what the experts call, clinically depressed, I guess.  I ask you, if your partner of 27 years gets diagnosed with cancer at the same time as your dad, while your mom is also showing signs of forgetfulness, would you feel happy?  I doubt it.  The thing is, I tend to be one of those people who keeps on moving until I break.  That does not make me stronger, that just makes me stupid.  And before you think I should not criticize myself, I am not name calling, I am being realistic.

Life is too short.  One minute you are here and the next one you are gone.  It does not matter if a person gets hit by a truck and dies instantly or if they linger in a coma for months and then move on.  The actual act of dying takes a second and so does the act of breathing for the first time.  The length of the journey in between the first breath and your last could be 10 years or 100.  In terms of how long the Earth has been here, it is just a very short journey.

Because life is too short, I decided I did not want to spend however long I have, been politically correct or proper with everything and everyone.  I don’t believe in breaking the laws.  I don’t steal, I don’t cheat people out of their money, I am not interested in owning a gun or shooting one.  I do want to stop coloring inside the lines.

I have always believed that every person has a right to be themselves and do what makes them happy.  And yet, somewhere between my 21st birthday and my 48th birthday, I followed the rules and did everything I did not believe in.  It did not make me happy, it brought up many feelings of inadequacy and it drove me nuts.  I am done playing nice.

So, what does that mean.  In the interest of full disclosure, I want to let my family and my friends know that I have every intention of telling my truth.  If you are embarrassed to have a nut job for a friend or family member, you can always say you don’t know me.  I don’t care if it embarrasses you, I care that I have probably caused half of my mental issues by trying to conform to your version of me and that has to stop.

The second thing this means is that I have no intention of purposely putting you on a spot.  Your name will not come into my page unless you say it.  I don’t have anything bad to say about my friends or family.  They are who they are and they have to stand on their truth at some point.

The third thing this means is that this is a bully free zone.  I have been bullied all my life.  From the first time some idiot called me a witch, to when I was in my teens and started dating a guy that was the property of some girl (in her head because they had broken up years before I even met them), to the time a boss decided that she was insecure and planned to destroy my career because she did not want to be discovered as the fraud she was.  All these people and many more haunted my dreams for a very long time.  I forgive those I mentioned and the many more that I did not mention in this paragraph.  Insecurity and ignorance is something that makes people do stupid things.  Unfortunately your insecurity made a hole in my heart that made me want to conform, to be normal.  That was my mistake and I cannot blame you for having that much power over me.  I gave you that much power and now I am taking it back.  Bye Philicias.

This is not a democracy.  This is my kingdom.  Therefore, if I ever read or see something I don’t like, I am going to delete you.  I will, from now on, delete you from my pages and my life if you act like an idiot.  I have absolutely no problem with people disagreeing with me.  But I do not want some person saying “for the sake of honesty” and then proceed to insult anyone on my pages, be it here, on Facebook or anywhere else.  I am not your punching bag and none of my friends are.  You can then say that I am censoring what you can say.  That would be incorrect.  I am curtailing how you say it.  If you tell me that you think I am wrong and then proceed to tell me why, that is an opinion that can be debated.  You telling me that I am a moron is insulting and not debatable.  I’m not a moron but in your world I guess I would be, therefore, not debatable.  So, offend me or anyone on my pages and you will be deleted and blocked.

I don’t have time to entertain trolls and bullies.  I also don’t have time to entertain lies.  If you would like to know more about what makes us tick, stick around.  While you wait, leave a comment below with what stage of the journey you are in.  Are you still hiding behind what people want you to be or are you playing the game for yourself?  Leave your comment below and stop by our Gofundme campaign to donate $5.  This will help us continue this journey the way we want to.  Thanks.

Day 198: Revenge is Stupid…Unless

The other day I was watching American Greed…yes, again. I came across an episode about the aftermath of the Madoff scandal. I could not get over the victims. It is not that I don’t believe they were wronged. The more I learn about what he was doing, the more I know many of the victims had no clue what he was doing. It is the poison that they have allowed in their lives as a consequence. They are upset that he is upset because his victims have no way to pay the rent. They don’t like the fact that the man is admired by the other prisoners. It goes on and on. At one point one woman says it is not about Madoff anymore. I guess some victims got together and wrote a book to warn other investors. And yet, as she is saying that it is not about him anymore, you can see that she hates the man. Here’s the thing. So long as they hold on to the hate, they are letting Madoff define their lives.

Revenge for them did not end by sending him to jail and writing a book. These people will forever be marked by this. What a waste of time and people. I have always believed that if you spend your entire life hating somebody, they win twice. They beat you by hurting you and they beat you a second time by becoming your obsession. In this case revenge is stupid. There will never be a good enough revenge for people who hurt like this.

The only way revenge is good is when it is about you and not about your abuser. What do I mean by this? I was repeatedly bullied when I was young. I don’t remember most of their names. I definitely don’t remember what they look like. That is the point. To me, revenge is making a good life for myself and proving one more time that they were right in being jealous of me. Because I have it all. I am not a millionaire yet, and I am working towards it. I don’t have a fancy car or a big house. I have a roof over my head with all the books I love and more to come. I am smart, talented and not a bad looker. I have a wonderful family. I live in a nice place. The truth is, I have everything I could possibly want and more. I can tell you that for what I’ve seen, some of my bullies did not fare so well. That usually happens when your entire life is based on hurting people without healing yourself.

This, my dear, IS the best REVENGE. If you are hurting now, if somebody bullies you relentlessly, know that they will run out of stupid things to say eventually. Their brain is not good enough to come up with anything original. You, however, have talent, intelligence and something they want. Don’t give in to their craziness. Keep going your own way and watch the magic happen.